All That Is Left

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It’s exciting selling everything you own. It’s an opportunity to wash away your old life and start fresh. I knew from the start that going back to England meant giving up my first little home here in Tennessee.

After my semester abroad, I was amazed how much I hadn’t missed the things I was accustomed to, and I realized a lot of what I had was completely unnecessary.  In my first post, I mentioned that I was so angry returning from my four months in England. Everything around me reminded me of my old self. I was no longer that person, and I was terrified I would become my insecure self again. I was disgusted with how much I owned because I realized that none of it had actually benefited my old self. There were clothes that I hadn’t worn in years, and furniture, that I had accumulated, collected dust. They were only things, but they represented the fear of letting go. In a way, it was safety.  

I had lived out of two suitcases and in a flat the size of a cracker jack box, but I had never been so happy. That’s because in England I wasn’t focused on what I had. Instead I was learning about the people around me, and their homes. I surrounded myself with the most incredible group of friends who only encouraged and inspired me to live life to the fullest. I was taking day trips to nearby cities soaking in architecture and taking advantage of free museums. I was constantly surrounded by beauty and life of the ones around me.  What would I discover next? What would be the next destination? After returning, I was ready to sell everything and go.

A week from today, I have to be completely out of my apartment. My parents came to move everything out a couple of weeks ago. It didn’t hit until they left that night (when all that is left is  two suitcases, a chair, a few lamps, and my mattress) that this is reality. The moment that I have been working so hard for is near, and this empty apartment is the first pinch on the arm that this is real. For the next two months, I will be living on a couch. In a way that is its own adventure.

I would be lying if I said there hasn’t been a tad bit of fear ever since. Coming back to an empty apartment leaves a hollow feel inside. It’s a reminder that nothing stays the same. I’m anxious because I can’t be comfortable settling in one routine because I will be going through a series of changes in this next year. There is no going back because I have made up my mind to do this. 

However, I am learning that things aren’t supposed to stay the same, and you shouldn’t want them to. If they don’t, then how do you expect to grow? For some, staying the same is ideal, but for me, I refuse. I want to learn. I want to go. I want to live a life that is extraordinary. I want to be inspirational. But for all that to happen, I have to go through this moment. The unknown is scary, and I’m learning for myself the meaning of that phrase. Also, it’s a reminder embrace the waiting phase because it’s an important part of the journey. Although waiting is hard and I’m anxious to get to England, the anticipation is the fun part. I’ll never get the time back of wondering what’s to come, so I’m making the most of it. 

I would like to say thank you to Alyssa and Molly for letting me crash on your couch for the next two months. You guys will never know how much it means to me. Love you guys!

 

 

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